Quarter Life Calamity

Where do you begin again when it feels like nearly 100% of your life has changed or is changing presently (or will be changing soon)? When you find yourself at 25 (going quickly on 26) tired of school, yet applying for another three sure-to-be-excruciatingly-difficult years of it; single again after what seemed to be a sure-to-be-happy-ending; out of money yet moving out of a wonderful, warm, free house (did I mention paying for three more years of [professional]school?); wishing to find a new job; even considering dying my hair blonde? Sounds like a quarter life crisis to me. And if feels a bit like one, though how would I know, really?

It's times like these, times like now, when I really come to a startlingly deep-souled appreciation for my family and friends who love me. And not only love me, but think I'm pretty great and will both get through the tough times and be so much better for it (and they're usually praying me all the way through it, too). Truthfully, the more I hang out with and get to know my friends, the more I am convinced that they all have far too high an opinion of me (my family, at least, holds a more sober account). How am I friends with such great people who actually think I'm in their league? To them I say, "I'm not, guys! I've pulled the wool over your eyes somehow, but I'm super grateful that you think I'm cool enough to hang out/be seen with anyway." (I'm not fishing here, so stop right now if you were going to contradict me vociferously in a comment. I'm serious!). I can only hope and pray and strive to be as good a friend and advocate as has been exemplified to me.

So what do you do when things happen that seem to turn your worldview on its end? When people surprise you, but not in the good way? When you watch your once-hoped-for future plans erase themselves only to sketch out a dim and blurry, half-hatched, new plan? What does an idealist, like me, do, when they find themselves suddenly jumping to cynical, bitter conclusions about life and love? Is this what they call "growing up"? Because dangit, if it is, I'm going to find a way to Never-Neverland and Never come back (cue awkward MJ joke? Come on, guys, I'm going for Peter Pan here. The Disney version).

I'm asking more questions than I'm addressing. I realise this. It's not intentional, but sometimes I feel more like running away than figuring out how to take these lemons and make a delicious beverage. I'm also dramatising a little, it certainly hasn't been all lemons! And every once in awhile I get a breath of fresh air from outside of this small town that reminds me there is a big world out there to discover and find adventure in. Par exemple, in the last six months, I've been to Virginia, South Dakota (and Minnesota, kind of), and New York City . I've seen friends from YWAM Honolulu in each place, and friends from France in the latter. And I both rediscovered and have become more aware of great friends here at home (Toronto included), too. I've experienced entirely new-to-me things, like seeing a ballet (The NYCB's Nutcracker!), driving myself to the airport and back (how novel!), seeing one of my favourite bands in a 20,000-seat venue (sold out, too), and signing my very first apartment lease!

I wrote in my last post, ages ago now, that I had some massive decisions coming up. I certainly did, and still do. I have also finished The Lacuna and all seven Harry Potters as I mentioned (and yes, the final movie WAS epic), and a few other good reads as well. I've nearly finished yet another semester of school (though I *won't* finish this semester if I never get this essay I'm currently avoiding done...ugh), and I'm looking forward to the first Christmas in something like seven years spent in Niagara - with everyone. I smelled cut pine trees at a place selling them in New York last week and it honestly just made me feel good (that, and it was like, 18 degrees and sunny outside). I'm pretty excited.

But back to my question(s) - I think I may have answered them, a bit. Where do you begin again? What do you do? I'm certainly no expert, and I do not profess to offer novel suggestions, as most of these come from the examples set by wonderful people in my life, but here are a few: You look for the sun above the clouds. You soak up the love in time with friends and family, you trust in and lean on God. You pray, you eat good food, you go on that trip, you stop worrying about getting all your readings done and go out for coffee instead. You take time to pet the kittens on your way out the door, you assume that the bad eggs are anomalies. You take one day, one moment at a time and find pleasure in the little things, in dreaming up new plans. You go back to those things you knew to be true at one point and rest in the knowledge that they are still true. Most importantly, you do not become destructive or remain stagnant or bitter - you grow and change, accepting the challenge to learn and become better.

I'm still working on it, so don't appraise me too harshly just yet.

"Things are looking up, Holmes. This little island's still on the map!"

(photos of recent trips forthcoming)

Musings for a long weekend

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about the nature of work, and life, and making money and all that. Nothing newsworthy, I don't think, certainly nothing groundbreaking... but a couple things have brought this on. The first, and most important, is that my grandma having a stroke really put some things into perspective for me. Like, how important family is... and how quickly things change. From an energetic, sharp, immensely talented 87 year old, to hospital/rehab centre confinement and difficulty forming words, forming sentences, and certainly a long, and probably incomplete recovery. Sigh. On one of the worst days she had, I told myself "Screw my essay, losing marks and not doing my readings. I'm going to see my grandmother." I can't remember another time where I had so little thought for school work... not even when I was cruising around Europe and eating bacon and eggs on a terrace in the Greek Isles (about a year ago today, actually....*sob!*). Typically the idea of getting poorer grades than I think I am capable of sets me into a fit of histrionics and melodrama... as well as hermit-ing myself in front of my computer and pounding the redbull (okay that's not totally true, I hate redbull and only use it in the most dire situations requiring an all-nighter when I'm already tired of the taste of coffee... but still). It really was a reality check, though. I wish with all my heart and soul that it hadn't happened the way it did, but I'll leave that in the hands of the Lord and just be thankful that it wasn't worse, and that I have, in fact, learned from it.

And for the record, stroke-addled or not, my grandmother is still the most amazing woman.

Another impetus for the philosophical edge these days is my new schedule, which involves nearly full-time hours at Meridian Credit Union. Now don't get all sarcastic "poor you" on me, I'm a student! A regular schedule is new territory that takes time to get used to! Fortunately for me, it's not the nine-to-five. Well, it's 8:45-to-5:15 usually, but I get a weekday off thrown in here and there to instead work a shorter Saturday shift, and sometimes a later shift on Thursdays or Fridays when we're open late. Regardless, it's a full schedule, and I spend my days with a bunch of bankers (who, granted, I really like), who DO work nine-to-five. What that means, really, is that they actually likely spend more of their waking hours at work than they do off work doing things they enjoy. In my opinion, you damn well better enjoy what you do for work if you're going to spend most of your life doing it. Again - not a groundbreaking conclusion... but I think this is something a lot of people haven't, or refuse to, grasp. As I prepare to write my LSATs and then apply to different law schools, I struggle with the likelihood that I will spend the three years of law school (provided I get in anywhere, of course) plus at least a few after with little-to-no life while I do articling and pay off my (certain to balloon) student loans. I mean, I already have trouble handling a regular, 4th-year university course load. What the heck will I do in law school?? And just for the degree?? I don't even want to be a lawyer! (80 hour work weeks? Um, yeah, no thanks).

I'm not taking this path for the money, in fact, I'm terrified of making lots of money. Of losing perspective. Of becoming (more) selfish. Of forgetting what really matters (loving others in the name of Christ). Of making bad decisions.... or worse, making a good, but wrong decision. Of passing up opportunities that will never come by again. And for what? Money... to buy... stuff? Don't get me wrong, I like shoes and eating out and vacations and stylish furniture and cool electronics and all that nonsense, but really? I want to enjoy what I do every day, regardless of salary, and I want to enjoy it before my body inevitably degenerates to a level where I become physically limited. And that may come sooner than I think. Or not, but why take that chance? (And why didn't I take the time to have my grandma teach me how to make her peppermint cookies or zwieback buns before she no longer could?)

I know people who would argue for the money-making option. For at least a measure of comfortableness. That is valid, I think. But... I could also become a nun in an orphanage in, let's say, China, and there would undoubtedly be immense joy in that. Extreme example, perhaps, but first-world privileged life is also undeniably meaningless at times. In the grand scheme of things, party politics is meaningless. And look at how worked up we get about it! (don't tell my polisci profs I said that). Sorry. I don't mean to get all Jeremiah in Lamentations on you. Just been thinking about this a lot. And how there had better be more meaning behind the whys of my career choice and life decisions than stuff and things and whatever. My desire to go to law school and whatever happens beyond stems from a feeling that this is what I am supposed to do. For now at least, this is enough motivation and meaning to do it (and hopefully also to enjoy it along the way).

While I sit with my bedroom window open a bit (FINALLY!), listening to crickets, frogs, distant fireworks - Happy Birthday, Queen Victoria? - and smelling some lingering smoke from a small bonfire dad set earlier, it's easy to write this all and not really worry too much about some of the rather massive decisions I have coming up in my life. Tomorrow's a holiday, after all, and I have a full belly. The LSAT is not for two weeks (@#(*&$^!!!!!), and after that I can finally get around to finishing Barbara Kingsolver's The Lacuna and maybe another run-through of all seven Harry Potters before the sure-to-be epic final movie in July. But the fact remains that time moves ever on and on and there's not a lot of time for the wasting or settling. Maybe I should make decisions and let the chips fall where they may. I know I should at least stop worrying so much.

That's a good start I suppose. For tonight.

three seasons later

I know it seems I've abandoned this blog. I haven't. Every week that passed by made the task of keeping it to date exponentially more monumental and therefore, as my blasted procrastinatory tendencies dictate, I put it off still further.

No longer! Well, not today, anyhow. This day, my procrastinatory tendencies have lead me to write in the blog instead of study! Studying is so much less measurable than writing papers, and thus much easier from which to justify procrastinating.

But I digress. The lovely Ravine '09 Rose I am currently imbibing is the perfect accompaniment to digging into the ol' memory to fill in a somewhat large blank between last summer and now...

*editors note: I have now added all my photos to flickr from last summer until now!*

The fall saw my 4th year of university begin, and a whole new level of learning and reading. This is about the time I lost meaningful contact with everyone I know except my boyfriend and my parents. Every spare moment was spent reading, or working, and when I wasn't reading for class I felt guilty about not reading for class. This continued all semester, and all of 2nd semester. Interspersed in between crippling bouts of guilt-ridden procrastination, I was spoiled with dinners and wine tours and trips to Toronto to hang with friends whom I can no longer call 'new'. My dearest friend Rebekka from Switzerland also made the trek out to Vineland to spend a couple days in the region. This involved more winery tours, and some chocolate mousse à la Swiss girls! How lovely and odd (in a good way!) to have worlds collide like that, my friend Rebekka, whom I met in Hawaii, and who lives in Switzerland, came to Canada. Though I suppose it's only fair as I visited her in Switzerland about 359 days ago today...

Autumn on Cherry Avenue

fall kitties!

boo!

Ravine in autumn

Wine bar server guy Alex with Stephanie and Rebekka

Two Swiss Miss' in my kitchen

Christmas was spent with the family in Boynton Beach, Florida. It wasn't hot, but it was filled with awesome meals, family time, Heather time, pleasure reading, sun, beach, happy hours, the Babcock's, partying, lots of dancing, and of course lots of Branwyn time. I love Christmas.

Boynton Beach.

Bliss

Scrabble with Heather and Grandma T (Reigning Scrabble Queen)

Quality niece time <3

Lots of time is spent just watching Bran. She's so cute and hilarious!

Auntie Rahrah and Auntie Heather and Bran in her dancing boots!

Family!

Winter saw this:

Snow.

Reading and essay writing.

Studying at Brock. Blech.

Plus some fun wine tours with friends. But mostly the previous, plus a little of this:

Getting stuck in Prince Edward County.

The crew at Keint-he Winery in PEC

...As well as getting stuck in my driveway, some Brandon time (including fresh bagels, fresh bread, fresh pizza, and fresh coffee... until he left for Switzerland) countless more hours reading, feeling guilty about not reading, some more amazing dinners, and my Champagne Birthday!! I had a party. It involved lots of bubbly, Krug, Veuve, sabring, cupcakes, slippery road conditions (the curse of a winter baby), and a bottle of 25 year old Bordeaux in honour of my 25 years on the planet. How special!

Thank you to Rick Vansickle for this treat! Wow!

Dinner with Alex at the Old Prune Resto in Stratford!

Ravine Deli. Love this place.

And now we come full circle to spring. Last I wrote, the leaves were drying and turning colour, the heat was slowly leaving the asphalt, the call of the Canada goose in v-formation echoed across the escarpment, heading south, and the burn in my wallet from my 4th year tuition was still smouldering. Now, the daffodils are beginning to bloom, the fiddleheads are out, patio tables everywhere are being dusted off, and I am on the cusp of exams. Hard to believe that this is where I was a year ago today:

Copenhagen, Denmark, at the Royal Palace checking out the Crown Jewels ;).

Surreality is having travelled all over Europe with seriously amazing friends and one year later feeling as though that were at once a lifetime ago and only yesterday... Surreality is also one of your best girl friends having a baby! Congrats Kait and Tim! And on the flip side... surreality is seeing your grandparents get older, including the celebration of my grandfather's 90th, but also the sadness of my grandmother Thiessen suffering a stroke just last week. While we hope and pray she makes a swift recovery (she is stable and starting rehab tomorrow), it is heartbreaking watching this wonderful woman - as I said, reigning Scrabble queen - suddenly have trouble forming words. Time moves ever on and on...

So, what does the spring and summer hold? Well, likely a lot of working. Meridian is offering nearly fulltime hours, plus prospects of working Saturday events at a certain winery which shall remain unnamed until a job is secured (though I was told to hand in my resume 'for appearance's sake only'), and hopefully a lot less stress and a lot more pleasure reading.

My to-read pile gets higher by the day. This time, though, I don't mind.